Garces Eyeing Return?

Rich Garces, the overweight hurler who made a niche for himself with the Boston Red Sox in the late 1990’s has surfaced of late, attempting a comeback to the mound. Major League post-game buffets are stricken with fear.

“El Guapo”, as he was so, um, affectionately deemed in Boston, was quoted in the Mexican newspaper that “…things are moving” in his comeback effort. It is speculated that the “things” he was referring to were his breasts as he jogged. First off, whoever the editor of the paper that ran this garbage should be fired. RICH GARCES?? Are we serious? Somewhere Cecil Fielder is taking practice swings. I know we are all ashamed of the so-called “steroid-era” in Major League Baseball, but is it really necessary to go in the complete opposite direction?

Look, Rich Garces is the reason why people love baseball. He is the reason why one of your idiot friends sticks by the story that he “was being scouted before he hurt his knee in a pickup basketball game.” Nobody has ever claimed in a drunken rant that they almost qualified for the Seoul Olympics in the 400m butterfly because we KNOW it couldn’t be true….a lie of Lovitz proportions. In the back of your mind though, you always half-believe the drunken friend who in another life almost pitched for the Brewers because “hey, that fat slob Garces threw for years in Boston, I guess anything is possible.

With all that being said, I don’t need to see the jiggly, wheezing trek from the bullpen every other day. Mr. Garces, please leave our great game alone. Do autograph signings in Boston. Play in the World Series of Poker. Make a run at Kobayashi for the hot dog record. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but in the short time you were away, the game has passed you by. I do ask one favor though: wherever it is that you are going, please take Sidney Ponson with you (provided your destination does not require a visa, of course).