Yankees Sign Two Players That Stink

Bombers agree to terms with a Guy whose name is impossible to spell and another whose name should have been forgotten years ago

In a seemingly purposeful attempt to ruin my buzz caused by the trading of the Big Useless, the Yankees agreed to one year contracts with both Doug Mientkefweccxxswedohowefcz and Miguel Cairo over the weekend.

As you may have seen in other blogs, sabermetrics are often used to argue for or against the signing of certain players. In the cases of Mientkesdughfsifdbvs and Cairo, one need not understand the intricate figures that make up a ZR or VORP. Though I am intelligent enough to understand and implement these types of statistics I can give my brain a rest in this instance, relying on simple, back-of-a-baseball-card stats and my own eyes.

Mientkevwser9ungvwe provides Gold Glove defense along with the offensive prowess of a nine hitter on a Division III Girls softball team. I am actually hoping that the Yankees scouts have determined that they can teach him to bat right handed, seeing as though they left Craig Wilson on the market to sign Dougie. Maybe they have employed the work of scientists to meld Mientkrbiwehrbvbwi with Jason Giambi to create an All Star. Unless one of these two are true, the lineup now includes one left hitting/right fielding first baseman that can't hit the baseball with a tennis racket, and another who can't field it. Maybe this means more at-bats for Andy Phillips!! (For those of you who don't interpret sarcasm in type, that was it).

Miguel Cairo, unlike Dougie, actually doesn't even have a Major League quality skill to point to. Regardless of how he is glorified by baseball "geniuses" like John Sterling and Suzy Know-it-All, I personally would kick Miguel Cairo down the stairs to have Mark Loretta as a fifth infielder. This is as much as I will devote to the subject of Miggy. Except to maybe slide in a "Miggy Sucks" every now and then.

Also going on this week, the Diamondbacks will be administering a physical to Randy Johnson to complete the "Swipe of the Century". Lets analyze this for a moment: the Yankees unload a 43 year old pitcher who had an ERA of 5 last year BEFORE offseason back surgery, paying merely $2 million of his salary. It has also been rumoroed that the Yankees have offered to pay for the services of Dr. Nick Riviera to perform the afforementioned exam. In return, they receive immediate bullpen help in Luis Vizcaino, a projectable 2 or 3 starter that is a year away in Ross Ohlendorf, a shortstop with a Major League ready glove in Alberto Gonzales, and a sinkerballer that has been called "special" by Scout.com in Steven Jackson. Between this trade and moving Sheffield for young, projectable arms (including a potential ace in Humberto Sanchez) I am afraid that tomorrow's Daily News will be splattered with the headline "Devil Arrives in the Bronx to Collect Cashman's Soul".