Gary Sheffield is the Greatest Baseball Player of All Time

The title says it all. Why would I write an article with such a presumptuous title you ask? Partly because I admire his body of work as a potential Hall of Famer. Partly because he used to play for my favorite team. But mostly, like most New Yorkers, I wrote that title because I am legitimately afraid that Gary Sheffield may surf the internet and read this article. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I cower at the thought of Gary Sheffield.

There really isn’t any other explanation for the favor that the “tough” group of New York sportswriters have given Sheff since he arrived in the Big Apple. Look what they did to Jason Giambi when his testimony was leaked. Nasty headlines, fans booing, and this is from the guy who actually gave a public apology for the distraction, albeit half-assed. Not Gary though. He pranced his way right through his tenure in New York, scoffing at we fans who claim to know so much. Just because we applaud sacrifice bunts and pull for guys like Bubba Crosby to get in the game (as long as we are up by ten), doesn’t mean we aren’t dumb to things from time to time.
I may be the biggest culprit. In my circle of friends, we call it a “Man Crush”. Completely heterosexual, just an unhealthy fixation. I was the happiest fan in Yankeeland when we signed Gary Sheffield. I called a friend of mine as soon as it happened and said “FINALLY! A guy with balls on the team!” The fact is that as Yankee fans, we hadn’t seen anyone with that type of attitude since Daryl cold-cocked Armando Benitez on his way into the dugout. I bought an autographed 8x10 picture of Sheff in pinstripes. Then it got better. When Pedro hit Sheff in the shoulder, he didn’t charge the mound, oh no. He held his bat like cavemen held their women and mouthed the words “Not me” at Pedro. How the 19 lb. Martinez didn’t crap himself on national television is beyond me. I then bought an autographed 16x20 picture of Gary….and in this one he wasn’t smiling. Fast forward to the 2006 season, Gary gets hurt. First I was upset that he was hurt. Then I thought maybe if he just gave his wrist a dirty look, it would be so scared that it would heal itself for fear of Sheff kicking its ass. No dice. Gary Sheffield looked to be out for a couple of months, but who would replace him?

Yankee fans we agonized as we were forced to stomach Bernie Williams patrol right field. That’s right, every runner that was on first base was GUARANTEED third base with any base hit from center field over. It was disgusting. Which led to the obvious transition of the Yankees pulling someone off the MLB scrap heap to become a star on the biggest stage on earth, a la Aaron Small. Unfortunately, Aaron Guiel did nothing but bear a striking resemblance to Timmy Lupus. Right about then, the Rumor Mill started linking the Yankees to Bobby Abreu. (Sidenote: I HATE the phrase “rumor mill”, always have. I am now accepting suggestions for an alternative. “Hot Stove” is stupid too.) It was at this point, we all expected Sheff to have one of the trademark blowups that we had heard so much about. With that, he actually gives the Yankees his blessing to get OBP Bobby. UNREAL! WHAT A TEAM PLAYER!

Then he comes back and volunteers to play first base. This was exciting! Obviously working with Don Mattingly would turn Sheff into a Gold Glover in three weeks, and we could keep Giambi in the DH slot. “He used to play the infield! First base is easy!”. I swear to you who are not in the New York area, this is what we were thinking. It never crossed our minds that a team spending $200 million was holding American Idol-style open tryouts at first base a week before the playoffs. This is when the YES network REALLY stepped up the propoganda to get us even more whipped up. While playing in his first game at first base in Tampa Bay, Sheffield picked a ball my 8 year old nephew grabs 9 out of 10 times. We then heard about it for the next 6 innings. World Series in the bag!

(It is here where I would give a synopsis of the Yankees-Tigers ALDS. However, it still makes me want to throw up bile even thinking about it, so I will allow readers to remember it for themselves for the next two minutes…done??? Good)

OK, so the Yankees crapped the bed. Sheff still wanted us to pick up his option, right? Think again. Contract time fellas, and now it was back to Gary being all about Gary. It reminds me of “My Blue Heaven”. Steve Martin as a mobster; classic. Anyways, we know he is scum, but over two hours, we get to love this guy. Then at the end, he builds a baseball field for the kids, writes a book, and is the toast of Fryburg….but wait a minute! He is STILL a scumbag! Now he has a baby, but its with the cop lady?!?!?! What about the wife that could “melt all this stuff”? And the baseball field was OBVIOUSLY a ploy to keep him out of jail. Why did we like this guy at all? This is the same empty feeling that I have about Sheffield.

This brings me to the point. Now, he is back to being Gary Sheffield, detriment to the team, clubhouse cancer. He’s the “me first” player we thought he was all along, and now we can destroy him for it. But wait, what’s that? The New York papers AREN’T ripping Gary Sheffield?!?!?! EXACTLY. I will be honest. There are only two men on this planet that I have never personally met that I fear. Mike Tyson and Gary Sheffield. The only difference between the two is I am only 100% positive that one would bite another man’s ear off, but the other one I am only pretty damned sure he’s capable. This guy is the Chuck Norris of sports. Nobody screws with him. I bet R. Kelly hasn’t been out of his house since that sex tape scandal broke out.

So here’s to hoping that Gary Sheffield doesn’t read past the headlines. Even more so, I hope that the media in the world’s greatest city grows a pair and finally gives the poster boy for all that is wrong with sports the game of baseball. Steroids, attitudes, trying to reneg on contracts that they agreed to in the first place, and how about attacking Joe Torre in interviews? As if the man doesn’t have enough to deal with right now. Lupica and friends have been WAY too quiet, and its time they let him have it….just like they unleashed on Cashman for not signing Vlad at bigger money….that’s another article though….

Also, I am now accepting emails suggesting a replacement Man Crush, though I must admit that Leon Washington has the inside track.