3/6/07
Tannenbaum for President
With David Blaine-like skill, Jets General Manager Mike Tannenbaum has turned a single 2nd round draft pick in the 2006 NFL Draft into a back to back 1,200 yard rusher, a future starting quarterback, and a second round pick in the 2007 draft. I will explain; in exchange for their second round pick in last years draft, the Jets received a pick later in that round plus a second round pick in this years draft from the Washington Redskins. The pick in last years draft was used to select Kellen Clemens, who impressed Jet coaches so much last year that by the end of the season that he moved past Patrick Ramsey to number two on the depth chart. The pick that the Jets received from the 'Skins in this years draft was used to acquire running back Thomas Jones from the reigning NFC champion Bears, along with a pick later in the second round for the coming draft. Mike Tannenbaum is quickly becoming the Brian Cashman of the NFL.
Fireworks, Volume 2
Hard Knock Life
It’s tough times for NBA. Tim Hardaway hates gay people, Isaiah Thomas is single-handedly ruining the franchise in the largest market and ¾ of the league dresses like they are on a continuous audition for the role of Huggie Bear. Despite efforts by the commissioner, including a dress code and age requirement (although Bob Knight says that the age requirement is killing college basketball), the league’s image is still that of young thugs making altogether too much money. Deputy Dog says, David Stern and the NBA are where thugs go to get paid. NBA supporters will argue that the NBA All-Star game was in Las Vegas this year and the only incident from Sin City involved a player from the NFL, SO WHAT? One good weekend does not a problem solve. No era is perfect, Michael and Charles had gambling issues, Shawn Kemp had 4754 kids by 3908 different women and Magic got HIV – not the best press you can get, but today’s NBA players are arrogant and disrespectful. They show none of the humility and class their predecessors showed in the face of adversity. These kids are a mess and it will be David Stern’s legacy how the league handles this situation.
It’s tough times for NBA. Tim Hardaway hates gay people, Isaiah Thomas is single-handedly ruining the franchise in the largest market and ¾ of the league dresses like they are on a continuous audition for the role of Huggie Bear. Despite efforts by the commissioner, including a dress code and age requirement (although Bob Knight says that the age requirement is killing college basketball), the league’s image is still that of young thugs making altogether too much money. Deputy Dog says, David Stern and the NBA are where thugs go to get paid. NBA supporters will argue that the NBA All-Star game was in Las Vegas this year and the only incident from Sin City involved a player from the NFL, SO WHAT? One good weekend does not a problem solve. No era is perfect, Michael and Charles had gambling issues, Shawn Kemp had 4754 kids by 3908 different women and Magic got HIV – not the best press you can get, but today’s NBA players are arrogant and disrespectful. They show none of the humility and class their predecessors showed in the face of adversity. These kids are a mess and it will be David Stern’s legacy how the league handles this situation.
Yo Adrian!
STOP LOOKING AT 40-YARD DASH TIMES AND WONDERLIC SCORES PEOPLE!!! Watch football games and you will see who the players are and are not. Adrian Petersen is a football player. Others may have said it already, but let the Deputy Dog make it clear, Petersen will have the most immediate and profound impact of any player in the 2007 NFL Draft. Right now all signs point to Petersen being picked 3rd. The Raiders are going to take a QB with the first pick and it will probably be Jamarcus Russell of LSU because of the arm strength. Moss and Porter will be back and new coach Lane Kiffen needs an arm to get them the ball down the field. In the 2 spot, the Detroit Lions are predicted to take offensive tackle Joe Thomas, unless Matt Millen (who is the worst thing to happen to the city of Detroit since the creation of Honda Motors Inc.) decides he needs to take another 1st round wide out. That leaves Petersen sitting at 3 for the Cleveland Browns. Romeo Crenel has been a good boy all year and Santa Claus is about to deliver. Petersen will carry the load in Cleveland this year and help young QB Charlie Fyre relax and spread the ball around. Crenel will finally have the ball control back he craves and the Browns will be taking a major step forward with a rookie 1000-yard back who will hammer out the tough yards in the cold in Cleveland. It is often said that bad draft picks can set franchises back years, but this pick will vault the Browns into the playoffs as early as 2009. As a side note, expect John Gruden to assist the spleen-less Chris Simms by taking wide out Calvin Johnson with 4th pick overall.
STOP LOOKING AT 40-YARD DASH TIMES AND WONDERLIC SCORES PEOPLE!!! Watch football games and you will see who the players are and are not. Adrian Petersen is a football player. Others may have said it already, but let the Deputy Dog make it clear, Petersen will have the most immediate and profound impact of any player in the 2007 NFL Draft. Right now all signs point to Petersen being picked 3rd. The Raiders are going to take a QB with the first pick and it will probably be Jamarcus Russell of LSU because of the arm strength. Moss and Porter will be back and new coach Lane Kiffen needs an arm to get them the ball down the field. In the 2 spot, the Detroit Lions are predicted to take offensive tackle Joe Thomas, unless Matt Millen (who is the worst thing to happen to the city of Detroit since the creation of Honda Motors Inc.) decides he needs to take another 1st round wide out. That leaves Petersen sitting at 3 for the Cleveland Browns. Romeo Crenel has been a good boy all year and Santa Claus is about to deliver. Petersen will carry the load in Cleveland this year and help young QB Charlie Fyre relax and spread the ball around. Crenel will finally have the ball control back he craves and the Browns will be taking a major step forward with a rookie 1000-yard back who will hammer out the tough yards in the cold in Cleveland. It is often said that bad draft picks can set franchises back years, but this pick will vault the Browns into the playoffs as early as 2009. As a side note, expect John Gruden to assist the spleen-less Chris Simms by taking wide out Calvin Johnson with 4th pick overall.
Loyalty or Lunacy?
Bernie Williams has had an amazing career in pinstripes. He’s earned 4 championships, a batting title and the love of the New York fans. Thanks for the memories Bernie, but the Yankees don’t owe him a roster spot or anything else. Time waits for no man, not even Bernie Williams. The Yankees are built for today and tomorrow, Bernie Williams has become part of yesterday. Let him go Yankee fans, let him go. On a related note, the Yankees are smart to wait out the Mariano Rivera contract situation. If he is healthy and able to pitch, the can resign him at the end of the season and let’s be honest, if they want him, no other team can outbid them, they are still the Evil Empire loaded with Uncle George’s money. So stop already, if Mo can pitch effectively with no pain, he will do it in pinstripes. Case closed people.
Most Dominant Performance
Roger Federer has been ranked #1 in men’s tennis for the past 161 weeks, which is just short of 3 years. That is dominance my friends, dominance. But, until he beats Rafael Nadal on a clay court, at the French Open, he is not the most dominant. The most dominant athlete of all-time remains Cael Sanderson. A native of Utah, Cael wrestled to a record of 127-3 in high school, winning 4 state titles. Cael wrestled at 185lbs at Iowa State University. He went 4 years of college without a loss, sporting a record of 159-0. He is the only collegiate wrestler with over 100 wins never to have lost. He won the silver medal at the 2003 world championships and avenged that by winning the gold medal at the 2004 Olympics in Athens. It is Sanderson, not Kurt Angle or Rulon Gardner, who is the only wrestler ever to grace the cover of a box of Wheaties. Now friends, that is dominance – all the way around.
Roger Federer has been ranked #1 in men’s tennis for the past 161 weeks, which is just short of 3 years. That is dominance my friends, dominance. But, until he beats Rafael Nadal on a clay court, at the French Open, he is not the most dominant. The most dominant athlete of all-time remains Cael Sanderson. A native of Utah, Cael wrestled to a record of 127-3 in high school, winning 4 state titles. Cael wrestled at 185lbs at Iowa State University. He went 4 years of college without a loss, sporting a record of 159-0. He is the only collegiate wrestler with over 100 wins never to have lost. He won the silver medal at the 2003 world championships and avenged that by winning the gold medal at the 2004 Olympics in Athens. It is Sanderson, not Kurt Angle or Rulon Gardner, who is the only wrestler ever to grace the cover of a box of Wheaties. Now friends, that is dominance – all the way around.
3/1/07
Shut up Fat Ass
Photo courtesy of Sports Illustrated and Kool Aid"I'm probably one of the worst hated opposing players for their fans. I doubt they'd want me there. It's got nothing to do with [GM] Brian Cashman. I love that guy. And I love Mr. Steinbrenner. But if I went to the Yankees, it would be me walking out of Boston and putting my finger up to the fans. " - Curt Schilling in the Boston Globe
Ok, stop using the Yankees as leverage. They were interested in Johnny Damon because he fit the mold of a player they needed to succeed. Fat, loud mouthed, jackass pitchers in the twilight of their career don't apply. Have a salad for god's sake.
Ok, stop using the Yankees as leverage. They were interested in Johnny Damon because he fit the mold of a player they needed to succeed. Fat, loud mouthed, jackass pitchers in the twilight of their career don't apply. Have a salad for god's sake.
Yankees win meaningless game #1
Yankees win. Wang Looked good. Hughes Didn't. Damon homered. So did Giambi. More effort and energy will be spent on highlights once the games count.
And just when you thought every athlete was a douche...
...a story like this pops up. Everson Walls, former defensive back for the Cowboys gives his kidney to a former teammate in need. Let me repeat that: he is giving a FREAKING KIDNEY to a man he shared the field of battle with. This is why we watch sports. This is why we remember so fondly the days when we were a part of a team. Thanks Everson.
Source: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2784426
Source: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2784426
2/26/07
Can We Please Dump This Guy?
Yankees hurler Carl Pavano was struck in the foot by a line drive while throwing batting practice this weekend. Witnesses said that he may have actually avoided the batted ball, but unfortunately he was slowed by the water weight he is retaining during his menstruation cycle.
You would be smiling too if you had gotten away with stealing $20 million in two years
Fireworks, Volume I
This is the first installment of a new feature on www.fowlballs.blogspot.com. Recently recruited author Deputy Dog will be writing a weekly column containing his views on the weeks news that would make Lewis Black spit his coffee all over John Stewart. Though not for the faint of heart, Fireworks will prove to be a groundbreaking feature on the world's favorite sports blog. Expect to see this column every week, or at least until Deputy Dog suffers his first heart attack or stress induced hemmorhage. So without further ado, I give you Fireworks.
Billionaire Bucket Boy
Mark Cuban once call Phil Jackson his “bucket boy.” AJ Smith now knows how Cuban felt that day. Smith, the often praised GM of the San Diego Chargers, has made Charges principle owner Dean Spanos his personal “bucket boy.” Smith leverage Spanos into firing one of the NFL’s all-time winningest coaches in Marty Schottenhiemer because Smith did not like him. Say what you will, but the Charger’s playoff loss to the Patriots was not Marty’s fault. Marty didn’t drop anyone of the 7 passes that hit receivers in the and then wound up on the ground. Nor did he throw the pics of his young QB or fumble the ball away, as did his “skill” players. Too many times we rely on stats, but put that aside and think about statements of fact. Marty Schottenhiemer is an excellent football coach and did not deserve his fate out west. Hell, Marty would have multiple Superbowl Titles if he had not had to be the victim of John Elway becoming John Elway. And let’s not forget the A-Rod-like playoff choke-job of Ernest Byner. With Schottenhiemer’s head on their wall of shame, Smith and Spanos put the franchise’s on the field performance in the less-than-capable hands of Norv Turner, who has proved beyond the shadow of any doubt that he not a good head coach, even if you discount his disasterous year with the worst franchise in sports, the Oakland Raiders. If you look closely, you can see the strings in Spanos’ arms and AJ doing his best impression of Ghepetto. Rumor has it the Democrats may want to run Spanos for the White House in 2008.
Toodaloo Tiki
Tiki Barber is a quitter. Let’s get real. He’s not a hero or a guy being smart and saving his body, he is, in fact, a gutless wonder. He was a mediocre NFL back with big time fumblitis prior to Tom Coughlin arriving in Giantland. Coughlin cured his disease of putting the ball on the ground and helped Tiki become all-world. 3-4 more years at his current pace and he was a lock for Canton. Now he’s a lock for The Today Show. Matt Lauer never helped anyone get that bronze bust, pal. It’s not bad enough to quit, but on his way out of the locker room he took the time to rip the coach that was responsible for his game going to the next level. Fucking ingrate. Reminds me of another memorable chicken-shit running back who quit in his prime, Barry Sanders. I will not mention Jim Brown, since he might read this, hunt me down and snack on my spine.
Pacman Should Eat-A-Bullet
Ok, the details are still sketchy in the Las Vegas incident involving Adam “Pacman” Jones of the Tenessee Titans, but if it is proven the shooter, shot 3 people (2 bouncers and a female customer) at a strip joint, was part of “Pacman’s” entourage, he should be thrown out of the NFL for life and arrested for accessory to murder. Douche-scumbag.
Billionaire Bucket Boy
Mark Cuban once call Phil Jackson his “bucket boy.” AJ Smith now knows how Cuban felt that day. Smith, the often praised GM of the San Diego Chargers, has made Charges principle owner Dean Spanos his personal “bucket boy.” Smith leverage Spanos into firing one of the NFL’s all-time winningest coaches in Marty Schottenhiemer because Smith did not like him. Say what you will, but the Charger’s playoff loss to the Patriots was not Marty’s fault. Marty didn’t drop anyone of the 7 passes that hit receivers in the and then wound up on the ground. Nor did he throw the pics of his young QB or fumble the ball away, as did his “skill” players. Too many times we rely on stats, but put that aside and think about statements of fact. Marty Schottenhiemer is an excellent football coach and did not deserve his fate out west. Hell, Marty would have multiple Superbowl Titles if he had not had to be the victim of John Elway becoming John Elway. And let’s not forget the A-Rod-like playoff choke-job of Ernest Byner. With Schottenhiemer’s head on their wall of shame, Smith and Spanos put the franchise’s on the field performance in the less-than-capable hands of Norv Turner, who has proved beyond the shadow of any doubt that he not a good head coach, even if you discount his disasterous year with the worst franchise in sports, the Oakland Raiders. If you look closely, you can see the strings in Spanos’ arms and AJ doing his best impression of Ghepetto. Rumor has it the Democrats may want to run Spanos for the White House in 2008.
Toodaloo Tiki
Tiki Barber is a quitter. Let’s get real. He’s not a hero or a guy being smart and saving his body, he is, in fact, a gutless wonder. He was a mediocre NFL back with big time fumblitis prior to Tom Coughlin arriving in Giantland. Coughlin cured his disease of putting the ball on the ground and helped Tiki become all-world. 3-4 more years at his current pace and he was a lock for Canton. Now he’s a lock for The Today Show. Matt Lauer never helped anyone get that bronze bust, pal. It’s not bad enough to quit, but on his way out of the locker room he took the time to rip the coach that was responsible for his game going to the next level. Fucking ingrate. Reminds me of another memorable chicken-shit running back who quit in his prime, Barry Sanders. I will not mention Jim Brown, since he might read this, hunt me down and snack on my spine.
Pacman Should Eat-A-Bullet
Ok, the details are still sketchy in the Las Vegas incident involving Adam “Pacman” Jones of the Tenessee Titans, but if it is proven the shooter, shot 3 people (2 bouncers and a female customer) at a strip joint, was part of “Pacman’s” entourage, he should be thrown out of the NFL for life and arrested for accessory to murder. Douche-scumbag.
Truer Words
Years ago, when the greatest mouthpiece of all time, Sir Charles Barkley, utter the famous quote “I am not a role-model,” no one knew how profound Charles was being. Athletes should be enjoyed on the field and educated of it. Between the thugs in the NBA, the bruts in the NHL and ass-clowns in the NFL, athletes as role-models are a thing of the past. Not to mention the synthetically swollen head of one Barry Lamar Bonds. Where have you gone Donnie Baseball? On a side note, if Dean Spanos decides to run in the 2008 election, Deputy Dog fully endorse Sir Charles Barkley for President.
2/21/07
Official Stances
This section will reveal exactly where http://www.fowlballs.com/ stands on assorted sports issues. This serves two purposes: First, it allows me to spread my creative wings and not have to write the bandwagon articles and be the millionth hack writer to regurgitate the same article. Second, and probably most importantly, it means that I am not expected to write 5,000 words every time A-Rod strikes out with two men on in the eighth, or Big Ben throws three picks (therefore fending off carpal tunnel syndrome for a few short years).
Do not trade Alex Rodriguez
In short, this is one of the greatest players ever to lace up a pair of spikes. He stays.
The Patriots are NOT underrated
Its about this time every year when Tom Brady makes some asinine statement about how they are not given the respect they deserve. Most years it is just irritating because their team is obviously the class of the AFC. Now it is even MORE irritating because they are not overrated. They are just not good. Keep in mind that I am not a Jet fan, I am THE Jet fan. The AFC East sucks, and Peyton Manning just kicked dirt on your grave.
We are for the DH
Pitchers swing like women. Except Carlos Zambrano, a favorite of http://www.fowlballs.com/.
We want Roger Clemens to pitch forever
I hope the Rocket pitches until the Astros are forced to waste draft picks on his great grandchildren to get him to pitch half a year.
We don’t watch the NBA, WNBA, or NHL
Too many convicts in the NBA, no dunking in the WNBA, no scoring in the NHL. Sorry.
Derek Jeter was robbed of the AL MVP Award
Justin Morneau is arguably the third most valuable player on the TWINS. Enough with the Yankee hater mentality, please.
Barry Bonds should be embraced...
...for now. He is innocent until proven guilty. However, as soon as it is proven that he has been taking seroids since 1999 (like we all know will happen), I will turn on him quicker than Henry Hill.
Do not trade Alex Rodriguez
In short, this is one of the greatest players ever to lace up a pair of spikes. He stays.
The Patriots are NOT underrated
Its about this time every year when Tom Brady makes some asinine statement about how they are not given the respect they deserve. Most years it is just irritating because their team is obviously the class of the AFC. Now it is even MORE irritating because they are not overrated. They are just not good. Keep in mind that I am not a Jet fan, I am THE Jet fan. The AFC East sucks, and Peyton Manning just kicked dirt on your grave.
We are for the DH
Pitchers swing like women. Except Carlos Zambrano, a favorite of http://www.fowlballs.com/.
We want Roger Clemens to pitch forever
I hope the Rocket pitches until the Astros are forced to waste draft picks on his great grandchildren to get him to pitch half a year.
We don’t watch the NBA, WNBA, or NHL
Too many convicts in the NBA, no dunking in the WNBA, no scoring in the NHL. Sorry.
Derek Jeter was robbed of the AL MVP Award
Justin Morneau is arguably the third most valuable player on the TWINS. Enough with the Yankee hater mentality, please.
Barry Bonds should be embraced...
...for now. He is innocent until proven guilty. However, as soon as it is proven that he has been taking seroids since 1999 (like we all know will happen), I will turn on him quicker than Henry Hill.
Gary Sheffield is the Greatest Baseball Player of All Time
The title says it all. Why would I write an article with such a presumptuous title you ask? Partly because I admire his body of work as a potential Hall of Famer. Partly because he used to play for my favorite team. But mostly, like most New Yorkers, I wrote that title because I am legitimately afraid that Gary Sheffield may surf the internet and read this article. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I cower at the thought of Gary Sheffield.
There really isn’t any other explanation for the favor that the “tough” group of New York sportswriters have given Sheff since he arrived in the Big Apple. Look what they did to Jason Giambi when his testimony was leaked. Nasty headlines, fans booing, and this is from the guy who actually gave a public apology for the distraction, albeit half-assed. Not Gary though. He pranced his way right through his tenure in New York, scoffing at we fans who claim to know so much. Just because we applaud sacrifice bunts and pull for guys like Bubba Crosby to get in the game (as long as we are up by ten), doesn’t mean we aren’t dumb to things from time to time.
I may be the biggest culprit. In my circle of friends, we call it a “Man Crush”. Completely heterosexual, just an unhealthy fixation. I was the happiest fan in Yankeeland when we signed Gary Sheffield. I called a friend of mine as soon as it happened and said “FINALLY! A guy with balls on the team!” The fact is that as Yankee fans, we hadn’t seen anyone with that type of attitude since Daryl cold-cocked Armando Benitez on his way into the dugout. I bought an autographed 8x10 picture of Sheff in pinstripes. Then it got better. When Pedro hit Sheff in the shoulder, he didn’t charge the mound, oh no. He held his bat like cavemen held their women and mouthed the words “Not me” at Pedro. How the 19 lb. Martinez didn’t crap himself on national television is beyond me. I then bought an autographed 16x20 picture of Gary….and in this one he wasn’t smiling. Fast forward to the 2006 season, Gary gets hurt. First I was upset that he was hurt. Then I thought maybe if he just gave his wrist a dirty look, it would be so scared that it would heal itself for fear of Sheff kicking its ass. No dice. Gary Sheffield looked to be out for a couple of months, but who would replace him?
Yankee fans we agonized as we were forced to stomach Bernie Williams patrol right field. That’s right, every runner that was on first base was GUARANTEED third base with any base hit from center field over. It was disgusting. Which led to the obvious transition of the Yankees pulling someone off the MLB scrap heap to become a star on the biggest stage on earth, a la Aaron Small. Unfortunately, Aaron Guiel did nothing but bear a striking resemblance to Timmy Lupus. Right about then, the Rumor Mill started linking the Yankees to Bobby Abreu. (Sidenote: I HATE the phrase “rumor mill”, always have. I am now accepting suggestions for an alternative. “Hot Stove” is stupid too.) It was at this point, we all expected Sheff to have one of the trademark blowups that we had heard so much about. With that, he actually gives the Yankees his blessing to get OBP Bobby. UNREAL! WHAT A TEAM PLAYER!
Then he comes back and volunteers to play first base. This was exciting! Obviously working with Don Mattingly would turn Sheff into a Gold Glover in three weeks, and we could keep Giambi in the DH slot. “He used to play the infield! First base is easy!”. I swear to you who are not in the New York area, this is what we were thinking. It never crossed our minds that a team spending $200 million was holding American Idol-style open tryouts at first base a week before the playoffs. This is when the YES network REALLY stepped up the propoganda to get us even more whipped up. While playing in his first game at first base in Tampa Bay, Sheffield picked a ball my 8 year old nephew grabs 9 out of 10 times. We then heard about it for the next 6 innings. World Series in the bag!
(It is here where I would give a synopsis of the Yankees-Tigers ALDS. However, it still makes me want to throw up bile even thinking about it, so I will allow readers to remember it for themselves for the next two minutes…done??? Good)
OK, so the Yankees crapped the bed. Sheff still wanted us to pick up his option, right? Think again. Contract time fellas, and now it was back to Gary being all about Gary. It reminds me of “My Blue Heaven”. Steve Martin as a mobster; classic. Anyways, we know he is scum, but over two hours, we get to love this guy. Then at the end, he builds a baseball field for the kids, writes a book, and is the toast of Fryburg….but wait a minute! He is STILL a scumbag! Now he has a baby, but its with the cop lady?!?!?! What about the wife that could “melt all this stuff”? And the baseball field was OBVIOUSLY a ploy to keep him out of jail. Why did we like this guy at all? This is the same empty feeling that I have about Sheffield.
This brings me to the point. Now, he is back to being Gary Sheffield, detriment to the team, clubhouse cancer. He’s the “me first” player we thought he was all along, and now we can destroy him for it. But wait, what’s that? The New York papers AREN’T ripping Gary Sheffield?!?!?! EXACTLY. I will be honest. There are only two men on this planet that I have never personally met that I fear. Mike Tyson and Gary Sheffield. The only difference between the two is I am only 100% positive that one would bite another man’s ear off, but the other one I am only pretty damned sure he’s capable. This guy is the Chuck Norris of sports. Nobody screws with him. I bet R. Kelly hasn’t been out of his house since that sex tape scandal broke out.
So here’s to hoping that Gary Sheffield doesn’t read past the headlines. Even more so, I hope that the media in the world’s greatest city grows a pair and finally gives the poster boy for all that is wrong with sports the game of baseball. Steroids, attitudes, trying to reneg on contracts that they agreed to in the first place, and how about attacking Joe Torre in interviews? As if the man doesn’t have enough to deal with right now. Lupica and friends have been WAY too quiet, and its time they let him have it….just like they unleashed on Cashman for not signing Vlad at bigger money….that’s another article though….
Also, I am now accepting emails suggesting a replacement Man Crush, though I must admit that Leon Washington has the inside track.
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