Do The Right Thing

A Robinson Cano Joint

Cano does his best to prove that he knows his role by relinquishing his jersey number to further prepare for the arrival of the greatest pitcher of all time.



Parcells Retires

Dallas Restaurants Lower Earnings Forecasts
Bill Parcells will be leaving Dallas after a 4 year stint that ended in a 34-32 record. (Photo courtesy of Sports Illustrated)

Is This Guy Japanese or "Special"

Igawa Auditions for Rush Hour 3 in SI Interview

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Although he speaks in mono-syllabic words that a five year old can understand, Kei Igawa still manages to give a more intriguing interview than Derek Jeter since 1996.

My favorite part is that there is absolutely no credit given to a translator. The Yankees were actually dumb enough to let a man who hardly speaks english field his own interview. Apparently $26 million isn't enough to hire someone for that. Reports out of Jackie Chan's camp have publicly ripped Igawa since this interview, citing an infringement on his "ignorant, foreigner charm".


Jimmy Dugan's Crystal Ball

June, 2007 - Yankees Make Two Blockbuster Acquisitions Before Deadline

After playing respectable baseball thus far in the 2007 season, the Yankees have added pitchers Roger Clemens and Philip Hughes to their starting rotation. Kei Igawa will be moved to the bullpen as a left-handed long man whom Joe Torre plans to pitch every day until his arm is fried like a wonton. This move opens up two spots in the rotation, following the (insert petty injury or buttocks related cheapshot here) suffered by Carl Pavano.

The addition of Clemens and Hughes makes the Yankees rotation as formidable as its offense. The rotation looks to shape up like this:

1 - Clemens
2 - Wang
3 - Pettitte
4 - Mussina
5 - Hughes

Reports out of the Boston area cited a 5% increase in suicides, and a 123458729% increase in whining. Once again, the area fans will be forced to divise clever sayings to put on t-shirts knocking the Yankees, as opposed to actually catching them in the AL East standings.


Hello God? It's Me, Jimmy Dugan

Andy Officially Introduced Today, Agent Says Rocket to Pitch in 2007

Barry Bonds Takes Illegal Substance; Lies About It

In related News, the Pope is Catholic and bears shit in the woods

(AP Photo)
The New York Daily News actually made this thier back page "exclusive" story. This is ridiculous. As a New Yorker not only do I not care about Barry Bonds, I get nauseous every time I have to see his face on one of our papers. Today is officially the worst day of my life. The two lead stories in sports are Barry Bonds and David Beckham. As if seeing Barry's gigantic head on every newspaper and TV channel wasn,t enough to make me take my own eyes out with a spoon, it was followed by a soccer story. Kill me.

Everyone takes amphetamines. They are called "greenies" because they are green in color. This is the type of mindless, intelligence-insulting reporting the American sports viewing public will be sublect to over the next, oh, three months. This so called "blockbuster" report is the equivalent of Al Capone being jailed on tax evasion charges. Then, everyone seems uphalled that the great orange on a toothpick blamed it on someone else (Envision it. Think for a second....now laugh heartily. You're welcome). This man is ruthless in maintaining his innocence, even in being a blatent cheater. Should we be surprised about this? I think not. Miggy Sucks.


Don't Let the Door Hit You...

(Photo by Jon Willey/Arizona Diamondbacks)
This picture warms my heart more than an Anne Geddes baby dressed as a bumble bee

Today's News That's Most Important To Me

Mattingly hosed again by baseball writers
I am forced to believe that roughly 91% baseball writers haved suffered a head trauma forcing them to forget all about the career of Don Mattingly.

Let's get one thing straight: I am not saying that Donnie Baseball is a first ballot Hall of Famer. In fact, I am not claiming that he should even be in the Hall at all. What I AM saying is that the amount of consideration that he recieved in today's released numbers is ponderous. There are so many arguments to be made here, but I will focus on two. (Please disregard the fact that if science would allow it, I would bear Don Mattingly's children, because I am being as objective as possible)

First off, www.Baseball-reference.com lists Mattingly as the most similar batter over a career to Kirby Puckett. Thats right, first ballot Hall of Famer and pride of the Twin Cities Kirby Puckett. I will not debate the World Series factor. Kirby's rings do set him apart from Donnie, but NOT by as wide of a margin as the ballot shows. When listed next to Puckett's, Don Mattingly's numbers, including number of seasons, are nearly identical to the chubby centerfielder. Maybe Don should have beat his wife (too soon?).

Second, something Puckett lacks (as well as many others in the Hall), is "the Man Factor". For a period of five to six years, Don Mattingly was "the Man". The "Hit Man" was arguably the best player in baseball for that stretch. Correct me if I am wrong, but should that not factor in when considering enshrinement into the Mecca of America's Pastime?

I know that Goose Gossage deserves to be a Hall of Famer, as should Jim Rice. However, I am TIRED of reading about it. I also refuse to spend any more time or internet space on Mark McGwire. It is legitimately disappointing to see the lack of support for Don Mattingly in the baseball world. This man is solely responsible for me being (or at least staying) a Yankee fan throughout my childhood. It was a time when the Yankees were awful. I mean AWFUL. Myself and others will wax poetic about how tough we had it as Yankee fans growing up, but I digress.

In closing, fowlballs.blogspot.com is launching the "MATTINGLY IN '08" campaign today. The goal is to more than triple Don's support in one year. 30% would be a serviceable stepping stone to enshrinement.


Yankees Sign Two Players That Stink

Bombers agree to terms with a Guy whose name is impossible to spell and another whose name should have been forgotten years ago

In a seemingly purposeful attempt to ruin my buzz caused by the trading of the Big Useless, the Yankees agreed to one year contracts with both Doug Mientkefweccxxswedohowefcz and Miguel Cairo over the weekend.

As you may have seen in other blogs, sabermetrics are often used to argue for or against the signing of certain players. In the cases of Mientkesdughfsifdbvs and Cairo, one need not understand the intricate figures that make up a ZR or VORP. Though I am intelligent enough to understand and implement these types of statistics I can give my brain a rest in this instance, relying on simple, back-of-a-baseball-card stats and my own eyes.

Mientkevwser9ungvwe provides Gold Glove defense along with the offensive prowess of a nine hitter on a Division III Girls softball team. I am actually hoping that the Yankees scouts have determined that they can teach him to bat right handed, seeing as though they left Craig Wilson on the market to sign Dougie. Maybe they have employed the work of scientists to meld Mientkrbiwehrbvbwi with Jason Giambi to create an All Star. Unless one of these two are true, the lineup now includes one left hitting/right fielding first baseman that can't hit the baseball with a tennis racket, and another who can't field it. Maybe this means more at-bats for Andy Phillips!! (For those of you who don't interpret sarcasm in type, that was it).

Miguel Cairo, unlike Dougie, actually doesn't even have a Major League quality skill to point to. Regardless of how he is glorified by baseball "geniuses" like John Sterling and Suzy Know-it-All, I personally would kick Miguel Cairo down the stairs to have Mark Loretta as a fifth infielder. This is as much as I will devote to the subject of Miggy. Except to maybe slide in a "Miggy Sucks" every now and then.

Also going on this week, the Diamondbacks will be administering a physical to Randy Johnson to complete the "Swipe of the Century". Lets analyze this for a moment: the Yankees unload a 43 year old pitcher who had an ERA of 5 last year BEFORE offseason back surgery, paying merely $2 million of his salary. It has also been rumoroed that the Yankees have offered to pay for the services of Dr. Nick Riviera to perform the afforementioned exam. In return, they receive immediate bullpen help in Luis Vizcaino, a projectable 2 or 3 starter that is a year away in Ross Ohlendorf, a shortstop with a Major League ready glove in Alberto Gonzales, and a sinkerballer that has been called "special" by Scout.com in Steven Jackson. Between this trade and moving Sheffield for young, projectable arms (including a potential ace in Humberto Sanchez) I am afraid that tomorrow's Daily News will be splattered with the headline "Devil Arrives in the Bronx to Collect Cashman's Soul".

Garces Eyeing Return?

Rich Garces, the overweight hurler who made a niche for himself with the Boston Red Sox in the late 1990’s has surfaced of late, attempting a comeback to the mound. Major League post-game buffets are stricken with fear.

“El Guapo”, as he was so, um, affectionately deemed in Boston, was quoted in the Mexican newspaper that “…things are moving” in his comeback effort. It is speculated that the “things” he was referring to were his breasts as he jogged. First off, whoever the editor of the paper that ran this garbage should be fired. RICH GARCES?? Are we serious? Somewhere Cecil Fielder is taking practice swings. I know we are all ashamed of the so-called “steroid-era” in Major League Baseball, but is it really necessary to go in the complete opposite direction?

Look, Rich Garces is the reason why people love baseball. He is the reason why one of your idiot friends sticks by the story that he “was being scouted before he hurt his knee in a pickup basketball game.” Nobody has ever claimed in a drunken rant that they almost qualified for the Seoul Olympics in the 400m butterfly because we KNOW it couldn’t be true….a lie of Lovitz proportions. In the back of your mind though, you always half-believe the drunken friend who in another life almost pitched for the Brewers because “hey, that fat slob Garces threw for years in Boston, I guess anything is possible.

With all that being said, I don’t need to see the jiggly, wheezing trek from the bullpen every other day. Mr. Garces, please leave our great game alone. Do autograph signings in Boston. Play in the World Series of Poker. Make a run at Kobayashi for the hot dog record. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but in the short time you were away, the game has passed you by. I do ask one favor though: wherever it is that you are going, please take Sidney Ponson with you (provided your destination does not require a visa, of course).


Today's News that is Most Important to Me

Jets Lose

As a life-long Jet fan, I should be satisfied that the team that was expected to destroy me with a 4-12 season just finished a whirlwind that ended with a 10-6 finish, including a trip to the playoffs. I should be excited about the progression of rookies like Leon Washington, D'Brickashaw Ferguson, and Nick Mangold, and the emergence of Kerry Rhodes as one of the premier defensive playmakers in the NFL. I should be doing cartwheels in my yard about the fact that Chad Pennington not only played well, but played 16 games this year. And I should be fighting of arousal of Cialis proportions that they are only going to imrpove next year seeing as though they have more room under the salary cap than any team in the league. Unfortunately, the the beloved Gang Green just ended their season on the brand new field turf (you're welcome) at Gillette Field or Stadium or whatever the hell. Lets get this out in the first real post on fowlballs.blogspot.com : I hate the New England Patriots. Even though I maintain the same level of respect for Tom Brady that Red Sox fans hold for Derek Jeter, I would love nothing more than to hear that Bill Belichick was fired this morning for "lude public behavior involving a farm animal". It makes me sick that every season, without fail, there is somebody on the Patriots that complains about the "lack of respect" that the team is shown. Could we PLEASE let go of the "loveable underdog" image??? Sorry guys, but you have been the most well respected team in the NFL since you beat one of the most efficient offenses in the history of the sport on the biggest stage, all while being led by a rookie QB you drafted in the 6th Round. (sidenote - I am waiting for the day that the Patriots hold a ceremony in honor of Mo Lewis for knocking Drew Bledsoe back to 3rd grade and allowing a man groomed to be a lifelong backup to take snaps for the Pats - you're welcome again).

So, thanks to this small twist, I am left to mope about my team until draft day....or at least until pitchers and catchers report to Tampa.

A Day That Will Live In Infamy...

January 7, 2007 -
This will become, in time, the most important day in the history of sports journalism. The innaugural post on http://fowlballs.blogspot.com . Check back for frequent updates revolving around such topics as the genius of Brian Cashman, as well as the webmaster's general hatred for Bill Belichick, Curt Schilling, and New England in general. Enjoy.