A second chance

I am not going to list a myriad of stats here, but since Brett Gardner went down, Melky Cabrera has been fucking terrible. Granted the Yankees are rolling, and you don't want to screw too much with a good thing, but the fact is they have been doing so with Cabrera floating around the Mendoza line for over a month.
The reason I bring this up is Mike Cameron has cleared waivers (hat tip to MLBTR). I have been campaigning - read:begging - the team to make a move for Cameron since last year (see: here). Of course I ended up disappointed when the trade did not go through, but it has never made more sense than it does right now.
Let me recap in bullett form:
  • Mike Cameron offers an above average glove, and above average power 
  • Melky Cabrera is a below average baseball player
  • Cabrera's above average arm does not warrant a spot in the lineup
  • Cameron is a free agent after the season - if the Yankees pick up the tab, I don't see the trade being a back-breaker
  • Brett Gardner was never that good to begin with 
Make this deal, Cash.


Say it ain't so

According to the NY Post, Derek Jeter is secretly engaged to Minka Kelly.

After what could very well be a record-breaking run, Jeter looks like he is finally hanging up his Valtrex and settling down. There is no doubt that Jeter will be a first-ballot inductee into the cocksman Hall of Fame, but there is a part of me that will miss reading the stories about Jeet plowing his way from New York to, Tampa penis first.

My bold prediction is that Jeter hands the torch to newly annointed Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez. Handsome. Talented. Rich. Ethnic. He has everything it takes to continue Jeter's legacy of poon greatness.

Sorry Andy

Last night, Andy Pettitte won. Again. And made us look stupid. Again.

On July 24th, I referred to Andy Pettitte as "dead weight" at the back of the end of the Yankees rotation. At that time, Pettitte was 8-5; not bad, but with an ERA sitting at 4.62, his record was obviously not indicative of his performance. After one more bad start for the road on the 25th, the season turned around for Pettitte.

Since that date, all "the Schnoz" has done is go 3-0 and lower his ERA by half a run. In the month of August he has been dominant aside from one start in Boston where he admitted that he was distracted by the 20 runs the Yankees piled on.

Andy's Numbers since July 25th: 3-0, 1.64 ERA, 1.06 WHIP

This turnaround can obviously be attiributed to the motivation Andy derived from us calling him out. When Jimmy Dugan talks, goddamnit people listen. Oh, and Andy, since you are undoubtedly reading this, plug The Balls next time Suzy Know-It-All sticks a mic in your face.

So, in short, thank you to Andy Pettitte to making me look like I don't know what the fuck I am talking about.



ex⋅e⋅cute [ek-si-kyoot]verb, -cuted, -cuting.
1. to carry out; accomplish: to execute a plan or order.
2. to perform or do: the Yankees lost last night because Nick Swisher could not execute a fucking bunt down a run with two on and none out in the ninth.


In the biz, we call this a teaser....

Look out later in the week for a new feature that I have been working on here at The Balls - the suspense must be killing you, I know.

In the meantime, follow JD on twitter, and join our Facebook group.

Who knew?

I was under the impression that all of the characters in the dinner scene in The Nutty Professor were played by Eddie Murphy. Apparently I was wrong, because this black Montgomery Burns look-alike was definitely sitting at that table.
If you can raise your hand and say that you knew Ron Washington was bald, I will call you a fucking liar.


I'm back in the New York groove

After living an amazing week like Kenny Chesney and tenderizing my liver in the sun with the First Lady, I have returned.
The Yankees were 4-1 during my absence, including a series win against the Red Sox **ahemnailincoffinahem**.  This may prompt some of you to say "you should go away all the time, Jimmy LOL OMG", but I have this to say: This team needs no help from me at this point. But rest assured, if me spending the rest of my life on an exotic beach in Mexico helps this team to win four out of every five games, I would be glad to help out. Somebody call Cashman and get that shit done.


Looks like you will have to waste time elsewhere

Starting today, the First Lady and I will be taking a well-deserved vacation: toes-in-the-water-ass-in-the-sand style.

While you are slaving away at work, we will be sipping* cocktails (heh- cock) poolside. Be jealous.

*She will be sipping - I will be chugging and taking full advantage of the morons who sold us the "all inclusive" package before checking my background.


The Fowl Balls PSA

My Dear Readers,

I don't usually get all preachy, but this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. When doing anything that is physical in nature, please be sure to wear a protective cup.

The blogosphere (gayest word ever, by the way) is abuzz with articles poking fun at the severe injury that Adrian Beltre suffered the other night. When attepting to field a ground ball at third base, the ball took a funny hop on Beltre that struck him in a very uncomfortable place (like in the back of a Volkswagen?). The result is what has been referred to medically as a torn testicle. Let's say that again. Torn. Testicle.

I will not be lampooning Adrian Beltre, though. I mean for God's sake the guy's nut just ripped in half, let's give him a break. What I would like to do is use this forum to stress the importance of wearing an athletic supporter while playing baseball. Or softball. Or flag football. Or grocery shopping. Or watching People's Court. The fact is that, as men, we must be protective of our greatest asset at all times(although I have been told it is my ass, or sometimes my boyish good looks, but I digress) .

Now you have Adrian Beltre, millionaire baseball player, unable to father children in every Major League city. Wait - what? I take it all back. Nobody wear a cup. In fact, somebody would have gotten Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry to kick eachother in the nuts a few dozen times fifteen years ago maybe they wouldn't have been spreading their Superman-like sperm in ever major US city.

So in conclusion: to each his own. If you plan on Johnny Appleseeding it all over the free world, maybe it's best that you leave your cup at home.

He's ready for his closeup

After watching Hideki Matsui hit two bombs and drive in five last night (that's right, I stayed up for the whole game for some reason), it got me thinking about his future.

It has been seen as a foregone conclusion that the Yankees and Godzilla will part ways at season's end, and the theory that he could go back to Japan seems a little bit of a reach. Though it has been speculated upon, I can't see him ending up anywhere other than Seattle. Last night's audition did nothing to discourage my notion.

Looking at the Mariners' roster last night, two things jump out: first, management's affinity for Asian players (no shit, considering they are owned by Nintendo). Second, the team is hard pressed to put asses in seats; so much so that they bring in washed up players like Ken Griffey, Jr. and Mike Sweeney to take hacks in the twilight of their career. The fact is that Hideki Matsui meets BOTH of these needs for the Mariners franchise. He's half washed up and he's Asian. In Seattle that's like working at a Starbucks and listening to shitty grunge music. Now all he has to do is grow a soul patch, and he will be a God of Chris Cornell proportions in the Northwest.


Despite the pleadings of Admiral Ackbar, Yankees lose to Blue Jays

In an interview conducted yesterday morning in which he was asked about last night's match up between the Yankees and Blue Jays, Admiral Ackbar warned emphatically that it was, indeed, a trap. Alas no one listened, and the Yankees lost for the first time in six games.
The loss also marked what should be the last time we ever see Sergio Mitre pitch in the first inning of any Major League game, so at least some history was made.


OMG LOL 143!!!!1!!!!1!111!!!!!!!

It's official. Mark Teixeira is my Jake Ryan.



The tides have turned. 15 innings of uneventful bullshit culminates in Mr. Non-Clutch hitting a walk-off.

The Yankees now sit at 2-8 against the hated Red Sox. The more important number, however, is the 4.5 game lead that the team holds in the AL East.

On a side note, I haven't seen that many Asians in a game since Tom Selleck was anchoring a solid Dragons lineup in Chiunichi.

Have vagina, till travel

Apparently Minnesota is the latest port for the USS Douchenozzle, as the Twins have acquired Carl Pavano.

Pavano has already topped the win total for his CAREER as a Yankee THIS SEASON. Yet he still gets work. Excuse my while I go slam my head in a car door.

It's about God damned time


How does it feel?

After years of playing the "Scrappy Underdog", the Red Sox have finally lost their shine.
Steroids allegations, old, broken down players, and a bullpen that leaks like Edward Scissorhands' waterbed - sound familiar? The Red Sox are finding out that America is the land of taking shots at those that are more fortunate, and the main stream media is no different.
So, I implore you Red Sox fans: shut up. You are no better than the Yankees, nor have you been for any stretch in the history of baseball since the magical run that ended in 1918. A-Rod did steroids?? So did Big Sloppy and Manny. Tainted World Series Titles?? Now you have two of your own. Spending like sailors in the Red Light District?? Check your balance sheet, boys. After years of claiming superiority for numerous reasons, your arguments have gone to shit. It's time to own up and admit without shame what I have known for years:
EVERYBODY wants to be the Yankees.
...and the Red Sox have been better at attaining that goal than anyone else. Welcome to the club.

This. Is. Big.

Although Mark Teixeira would like you to believe otherwise (hat tip to Pete Abe), this weekend's series with the Red Sox could well define the Yankees season. After losing their eighth consecutive game to the Sox, I wrote a post to try and talk Yankee fans everywhere off of the ledge. Now that time has elapsed and the Yankees have righted the ship to the tune of a 2 1/2 game lead, the pending four game set becomes vital.
Anything less than a series split would be unacceptable. Tonight, with Joba on the mound against some guy who bears a striking resemblance to John Smoltz, the Curse of the Moose HAS to be reversed. After a 5-4 road trip that allowed the team to maintain its division lead, a 2-2 record over the long weekend would suffice.


8 (or so) Questions: author Marty Appel

In a VERY special 8 (or so) Questions, I was afforded the opportunity to speak with long-time Yankees PR Director and author Marty Appel. You may recognize Marty's name from his work as an expert on Yankeeography, or his appearance yesterday on the MLB Network. As I referenced yesterday, this weekend marked the 30 year anniversary of the death of Thurman Munson. A close friend of Munson (and co-author of his autobiography), Appel's newest book, "Munson: The Life and Death of a Yankee Captain" paints a rarely seen portrait of a mythical figure in Yankees lore. Marty was kind enough to give The Fowl Balls a few minutes of his time (and to send us an advanced copy - I am kind of a big deal). Enjoy the interview and go buy the book - it really is amazing.

Jimmy Dugan - As someone who was around the team during Munson's tenure, what did you learn during the research for this book that you hadn't known before?

Marty Appel - I learned the details of his difficult childhood, some of which was suspected. Finding his brother and sister who were willing to talk and fill in the pieces was important. It also helped to explain some of his darker, grouchier side......and his discomfort and being in the middle of the controversial Bronx Zoo years. He just didn't want to be there.

JD - Was this a difficult process for the Munson family? Did you tread lightly, hoping not to trudge up negative memories of Thurman?

MA - For the family, the pain of Thurman's passing remains hard, even 30 years later. With all the detail in the book, it was understandable that they chose to take a more passive role with the book. We didn't tread lightly; he's a historic figure and people want details. But some concession was certainly made to the feelings of the family.

JD - As a long-time PR Director for the Yankees, explain what your responsibilites were pretaining to the players. Who was difficult to deal with?

MA - Thurman! You sort of want your captain to be good with the press, and he just wasn't. Otherwise, the players were pretty good. This was the era before Internet, sports talk radio, ESPN and cable. We didn't know that was coming, but what we had was demanding enough. Lots of media, each looking for its own exclusives. My job was to manage the process. I was also involved with publications, promotions, broadcasting, community relations, marketing, team historian, etc. Each is a separate department today.

JD - What type of qualities that Thurman Munson possessed as a human have been evident in subsequent Yankee Captains like Guidry, Randolph, and Jeter?

MA - The way they relate to teammates and earn their respect. They all played the game honest and true, hard and tough. No compromising, no lying. You knew where you stood with them if you were a teammate.

JD - Thurman Munson seemed, in reading the book, to be the type of player that has become a rarity in Major League Baseball: a selfless, hard-working, hard-had-and-lunchpail type of guy that my father has always harped upon. Who would you say resembles Thurman most closely in today's game?

MA - Posada. Jorge has matured to a leader behind the plate, and you can see his take charge qualities at work. Munson is a role model for him - he has a photo in his locker. I really like the way his game has come along, and so do the fans.

JD - As someone who lived through the heart of the Steinbrenner reign, how has the tone of the team changed since King George has taken a step away from day-to-day operations?

MA - I think everyone tries to carry on as they think Mr. Steinbrenner would like it done. Sometimes there are variations on what that means, and I think that can create uncertainty. It's a better running machine with the top guy in action. But they are still a model front office, something he built.

JD - As someone that had grown close to Thurman, was it hard for you to work through this project? I had read that you listened to tapes of Thurman from the time you co-wrote his autobiography, was it difficult to re-live those memories?

MA - Yes, it was difficult to hear the tapes because i remembered being right there with him in his study at his Norwood NJ home, sitting side by side, chatting like old friends talking baseball. But I wanted his voice in my head as I began the writing process.

JD - Give the people an update - what are you working on now?

MA - These days are filled with media requests for MUNSON, and we're also in discussion on film rights, so no attention yet on the "next" project.

Once again, we thank Marty for his time. Be sure to buy the book , as it is an amazing read.


August 2nd, 1979

Thirty years and a move across the street after his tragic passing, Thurman Munson's legacy still hovers over the Yankee clubhouse.

I will be conducting a special interview this week pretaining to Munson, so keep an eye out.