The Breakup

If this was high school, I would be sitting in my bedroom crying listening to the mixtape that Alex made for me. I bet "Hold My Hand" by Hootie and the Blowfish would be the first song. After all that we had been through, this is what he has put me through. After countless arguments with my father over his lack of 'clutchness', his frosted hair, that horrible Guitar Hero commercial, and banging a fossil, this son of a b*tch goes and admits to doing steroids?!?!?!?! He could have at least lied about it and claimed innocence, but no. He would rather ruin every holiday at the Dugan household for all eternity.

That being said, this leaves me with a hole in my life. Leave some comments and suggestions for who will take over as the player that I gush over now that Roger Clemens and Alex Rodriguez have betrayed my trust.


Deputy Dog said...

Hey Jimmy - I totally think you should pick David Eckstein as your new MLB Man-Crush.

I would have said Mike Gallego, but I think he's dead.


Anonymous said...

This is like finding out Kelly Kapowski was a tranny

Like finding out Rocky cried when Mick died because they were lovers

Like finding out Roy Hobbs shot himself like Plaxico

Like finding out Michael Jordan gambled every night he wasnt on the court and that he did actually suck at something. OH WAIT - that actually happened.

See a trend? The problem is, all of these "perfect" figures weren't real people. Things are too good to be true.

AROD - you are no longer the face of pure and unadulterated talent.

Here is a list of the only things that have not yet been completely ruined for me:

Jessica Biel
Jay-Z's Black Album
Derek Jeter

That is all I have left

Jimmy - please know that your heartache will not pass until you find someone new.

Yes, there will be crushes along the way. You will jump on the CC train when he starts the season 6-0 but you will quickly decide he is not the one when he is sidelined for 3-6wks after biting through his one finger because it had hot wing sauce on it.

After that you will find your heart filled with love for Derek Jeter again. But you have played this game before and you know he will never be loyal to you (only to the Maxim 100).

Last, your heartache will finally, and ONLY, be cured when #23 comes to New York - IN LEBRON WE TRUST.

Anonymous said...

How about Mark Teixiera....oh, wait ....was he a teamate of Alex's in '03?....nevermind then